Sometimes, you lose sight of what was once so clear, not because you don’t want it anymore, but because there are some things about it that have become way out of control.
No matter how beautiful something is, life just keeps hitting you straight in the face just to point out that you just can’t have it smoothly, but that should never hinder you from believing in your capacity to work things out.
I hope I can.
I can’t believe that just like that, it’s already been 22 years. Looking back, it seems like it was only yesterday when I keep complaining about how school is stressing the shit out of me and now, it’s been almost two years since I graduated and I’m still finding myself and learning so many things about life and the ‘real’ world.
It just feels so crazy looking back at how long I’ve been roaming this world and what’s crazier is that I don’t feel that it’s been that long already. Twenty two years. Wow, I’ve been through a lot and I can’t imagine that somehow, I survived everything and I’m still about to face so much more. With that, I’ve compiled 22 things I’ve learned and here they are:
There are really no words to describe how blessed and thankful I feel to be surrounded by awesome people. I cannot really pinpoint when and where it started, and how, but somehow, I woke up one day with a big smile on my face and realized that there are so many things to be thankful about. Truly, God always has a better plan for each and every downfall. I woke up one day and despite the stress, I know that I am happy and that this is all worth the wait and the struggle and the hurt. I finally understood, I finally know who and what I am waking up for. I may not have it all figured out yet, but I know that I will, soon.
So where have I been in the past three weeks?!
I’ve been kind of busy with life lately. Trying to find myself in the midst of everything that happened this year and so far, I’m happy with the little things unfolding before my eyes and yesterday, I thanked God for all the things he has blessed me with, I know that what he took away is leading me to something better. It feels very calming to know that things have changed for the better and losing a few people isn’t always a bad thing.
I am currently enjoying every moment of my life and I’ve learned not to let negative things and people affect my vibe and so far, it’s going pretty well. The past three weeks has been a mix and clash of so many things and to make it up, here’s what transcribed:
Lunch out with the whole team @ Kenny Roger’s.
Watched Goosebumps with my bestfriend x Thai food for lunch!
Visited my Grandpa’s brother @ Victoria, Laguna which has always been a peaceful place for me.
Stayed at our rest house in Tagaytay during the APEC week. The signal may have been really crappy, I can’t send a text properly and I didn’t have a decent connection to the internet as well, but I’ve had a really great time. It was such a great time to rest and unwind from all the things happening in the city. Plus, I’ve managed to finish reading two awesome books in just four days! It’s been a really long while since that happened and I’m very happy about it!
Also, we went to Ayala to eat lunch during our last day in Tagaytay and this shop caught my attention because it’s so pretty!
So, that’s just about it! I’m currently reading the last book in The Mortal Instruments series which is the City of Heavenly Fire. It’s quite a long read, over 700+ pages, I think, but I woke up one day and just wanted to know how Clary and Jace’s story will end. I’ve actually bought this the day it was released and I kept it in my shelf for a year because I didn’t think I was ready to end their story, but recently, I’ve been craving for the old Shadowhunter feeling so.
I’ll probably write a quick review about what I think about the two books I finished reading over the short vacation that I’ve had in the next few days, so until then, I’ll leave you with this cliche of a quote, but I’ve recently proven to be true:
“Not everything and everyone you lose is a loss.”
One day, I woke up with the sudden realization that I have to work on my dream of becoming a writer. I’ve already wasted a year of not doing anything about it that it started to haunt me everywhere.
I’ve always said that I really wanted to take up Journalism because writing has always been something I am fond of doing but my parents didn’t want me to. So instead, I took up a course that I didn’t really like. I survived school, I graduated on time, I can also say that I made my parents proud but I didn’t make myself proud. I went and marched on that stage a year ago with a smile on my face that everyone thought was so genuine but it wasn’t. That night, when I got home, I stayed awake until dawn… It hurt, it hurt so much that I felt it in my bones.
The next day, I woke up and promised myself to practice and never stop writing no matter what. I did. I wrote book reviews, I wrote about sports, I wrote personal experiences, I wrote about everything I could write about.
Yesterday, a friend asked me what course I took up in college and the conversation went on and on until I opened up about always wanting to take up Journalism. He told me that he would try to refer me to a friend of his who works in a known newspaper company and my eyes automatically lit up. I considered that conversation a sign that I should do something about this dream of mine sooner or later. I don’t want to regret not being able to pursue it when I grow old.
These songs aren’t really new but these are the songs that have had me going cray in the past two weeks or so. It’s just the right mix and clash of OPM and foreign pop rock. Enjoy listening!
1. Sa Ibang Mundo – Nadine Lustre & Kean Cipriano
2. Comeback Kid – Against the Current
3. Talk – Against the Current
4. Almost Is Never Enough – Ariana Grande ft. Nathan Sykes
5. Pasensya Ka Na – Silent Sanctuary
These are songs that have given me so much feels lately. 🙂
Last Friday, we were shocked with another heart-breaking news. Another person who was very dear to our family passed away.
Lolo Joe was my grandfather’s uncle, his mom’s brother. Last May, we got the news that he was very ill and was having a hard time eating. He was confined in the hospital for weeks but was also discharged. I remember how relieved we all were when he was finally discharged, we visit him almost every week in their house at BF until he was confined again and undergone an operation. The operation was successful and for a moment, we all thought he was getting better, he even gained weight.
So last Friday, September 25, two weeks after his operation, I was at the salon and was having my hair done which was an annual routine for me, and then I got a message from my mom that Lolo Joe is, again, badly ill. I informed my hairstylist that I wouldn’t have my hair colored anymore. My grandparents just got to our rest house in Tagaytay that morning and was rushing back home right after they got the news. At around 11:40, my mom texted me again and told me that he’s already gone. I was so teary-eyed at the salon. I went home crying because the last time I saw him was at the hospital, after his operation. We all thought he was getting better.
I hated myself for being so selfish because I didn’t want him to die even when I know that he’s already too tired. A hundred years really is something. I know he misses his parents, his sister and wife, but I seriously wasn’t ready to lose him.
Lolo Joe, I know you’re happy now and I’m sorry that it took me a hard time to really let you go. We miss you, we miss you so much it hurts. We miss you everyday. Rest in peace, Lolo. See you soon.
Yesterday was such a shock to all of us. We lost a very good friend, an awesome person and a strong, undaunted investigative reporter.
I have always looked up to you for being so fearless when it comes to knowing the truth. I have always loved writing but when I met you and learned the way you write your articles and reports, I’ve been much more eager to be just like you. It was just too bad that I didn’t take up Journalism.
You were such a blessing to everyone around you. You were always willing to help in every way you can, you’d go out of your way when one of your friends needs someone to talk to, you’re truly one of a kind. You were such a good person and I guess, it’s true that good people go to heaven early.
You’re only 45, so, so young. Death stole you too soon. You’re still having the time of your life, we’re still learning from everything you impart. Everyone misses you already, Tito Aries.
We went to your wake this afternoon. The first time I looked at you inside the coffin, I was still hoping that everyone would start laughing and tell me that this was all a bad joke, but none of it ever happened. You’re really gone. When I was about to turn my back on you and walk towards the nearest chair, for a second, for a split second I thought your lips curled into a smile and that immediately made me look at you again. You looked as if you were just sleeping and playing a big bad joke on us. My mom, beside me, said, “Aries, gising na. Ang haba na ng tulog mo.” And again, for a split second I thought your eyes moved a bit and if I was in a different person’s wake, I would literally run out, screaming, but with you, I didn’t get scared. I actually wanted you to wake up. I really wanted to believe that you were just sleeping but you weren’t. Everyday, I would have to convince myself that you are gone…
I know you’re going to be safe and happy up there, but it just hurts to lose someone like you. But with all that being said, I thank you for being one of my strongest inspiration when it comes to writing. Thank you for simply existing. Everyone who knew you are blessed. This isn’t goodbye, we’ll see you again in the next lifetime, Tito Aries! And while we’re waiting, when you finally get to heaven, please write a story of how beautiful it is in person. I’ll read it when I get there! Have a safe trip to heaven, Tito! ❤
My greatest frustration about myself is that I never really know how to control my feelings. When I love you, I love you all the way. It’s like, I always wear my heart on my sleeve for people to see and throw the most beautiful words possible for me to get too attached and when I do, they suddenly turn into a whole different person and I am left shattered and hopeless, gasping for air and love that I once thought was there.
And the worst part? Heartbreak after heartbreak, I still fall for the same cycle, the same scenario in hopes that maybe, just maybe, this one’s different. But they never really are.
Beautifully written articles are my inspiration to chase after my dream of inspiring the world with my thoughts. I just love stumbling over a blog with great content, and having to read how they started always gives me hope that one day my dream will come true.
I may not have taken up journalism, nor will I be one of the greatest journalist and/or writer, but having to inspire people with this blog will always be enough for me.
For so long, I kept myself away from people. I forced myself to keep everything bottled up inside for somewhere along the way, I lost it. I stopped trusting people because I don’t know who the real ones are anymore. They keep hiding behind their masks.
I learned to keep everything to myself. To just sleep through the night with all these thoughts, with all the monsters in my head. I swear it’s getting worse, the monsters are getting bigger and they keep feeding themselves with all the things inside my head. I don’t know, maybe I’ll keep losing it until there’s nothing left of me.
Lenn of Spades ♠ 