I’m Not Sure of Anything

I was never sure of anything and I don’t think I ever will be, but damn, I am so sure of you.

I’m not sure if writing really is the thing I’m good at, but I’m sure I want you to read everything I write. Every once in a while, I question myself if I really am good at writing and I always end up thinking of you and how you always say you love reading my articles and I know I can never stop writing because of you.

I’m not sure my opinions matter, but I want you to hear it anyway. I always have a lot of things bottled up in my head and I was never comfortable in sharing it with anyone, but when you came, I was so sure I want to tell you everything. It’s just a matter of time before I pour every damn thought I have for you to hear it, but I’m slowly learning to let it out. For you.

I’m not sure how each day would turn out, but I’m sure I want to talk to you about it. Waking up in the morning has always been a struggle, but knowing that I would be able to talk to you about how bad or great my days are at the end of the day keeps me going.

I’m not sure where I’m going to be five or 10 years from now, but I’m sure I wanna be there with you. I don’t know what the future holds and where I would end up, but I know I want you to be there with me, wherever “there” is.

I’m not sure what will happen between us, but I’m sure you’re worth all the risk. I can’t really tell what the future holds for us, but I know we’ll do everything in our power to make things work. We can’t tell if you’re going to break my heart or not, but right now, I know you make my heart whole.

I’m not sure of a lot of things, but one thing I’m sure of is that I want to wake up one day, with you beside me. I’m not sure if happy endings do exist, but I’m so damn sure that I want you to be my happily ever after. I’m sure you’re worth fighting for.

On #Halalan2016

I don’t normally talk or post about these things on the internet because I believe that we all have different views and reasons why we support a certain candidate, but suddenly I just felt the need to share my opinion on this because it’s really starting to bother me. By posting this, I know a lot of people will question everything I am about to say.   

I know I don’t really have the power to alter people’s choices (sino ba naman ako to do that?), but please, try to hear me out. We do not need dictatorship or a revolutionary government to start change. We don’t need to depend change on one person, change starts with each and everyone of us, if only we are willing to act upon it. I understand that most Filipinos are sick and tired of waiting to actually “see and feel” the change they want. But do we really need to settle for another dictatorship just because we hate the current administration? Remember, we have fought so long for the freedom we now have, tapos gusto nyo ibalik sa dati? Let’s not make the same mistake twice. I know that in writing this, madaming magagalit sakin since madami syang supporters and they might see this post as something relating to “paninira” and they might even think na “ano bang pinagsasabi nitong tangang to”, but seriously, I’m just trying to point something out, I’m just sharing my opinion.

Given that this country needs order, but I don’t think we need it this way. We need peace and order, not order and chaos. Remember that. I’m sure and I believe that we can find another way to solve all these problems. Let’s not go that far, to the point that we are willing to accept and settle for shoot to kill protocols, killings, NPA invading Manila, destruction of human rights. No. We don’t need that. Sasabihin nung iba, “If the blood belongs to criminals, then why not?” Really? What happened to thou shalt not kill? Hindi natin kailangan mabuhay sa takot para magtino. Napakababa naman nating tao kung ganun.

Do we really need someone who speaks in a language our parents never wanted us to use? Oo, I’m no saint and I curse too, but when it comes to speeches and serious matters, is that the right way to speak? Oo, sige ganyan ka na eh. I believe na we don’t need to change in order to please everyone, pero you’re running to be the next president of the country. At least try to filter your words.

Do we really need someone who throws jokes about sensitive issues such as rape? Sasabihin nung iba, “Banal kayo no? You’re taking a joke too seriously,” but the point is, rape is not a joke and no one ever has the right to joke about it. I personally really didn’t find it funny. Konting comment nga sa pictures natin at konting tingin ng mga lalake sa kalye, nagagalit tayo diba? Because they’re rude. Eh pano kung sabihin nila sainyo na joke lang din yun kasi idol nila si Mayor, eh? That those nasty comments and stares are just jokes? Sa kakaganyan ng tao, nagiging joke na yung, “Sana marape ka,” it has come to a point that it affected people’s views and way of delivering a joke. Akala nila nakakatuwa, sasabihin masyado namang butthurt mga tao. But what if it was said to someone you love? Your mother or your sister or your girlfriend or your wife? Would you still find it funny?

Do we really need someone who talks shit about religion? All these years, gusto natin respetuhin yung mga beliefs natin kasi iba iba naman yan diba. Yet here we are, choosing someone who divides us rather than unite us. We’re choosing someone who doesn’t care about our beliefs. Believe me, hindi ako kasing active nung iba when it comes to religious matters, pero I still have faith. I still believe. I’m still Catholic and I stand with my church.

Do we really need someone who would kill without due process? Pano pag napagbintangan lang? Patay talaga agad? Pano pag ikaw yun? Well, siguro you love and preach him so much that you are willing to die kahit wala kang kasalanan. But not me.

He even mentioned in one of his interviews na ipapapatay nya yung mga “madadaldal ang bunganga” (his exact words), so kung bukas makalawa, patay na ko, alam nyo na ha? At least I’ve had the chance to speak up before I die. Sasabihin nanaman na joke lang yun at masyadong sineseryoso ng mga tao, okay po! Kahit wala syang sinabi na joke lang yun and he walked away right after saying it. I could go on and on in explaining why I am not in favor of him, pero baka abutin ako ng eleksyon kaya tama na.

I’m scared of what will happen in the next few days. And don’t get me started with that, “Bakit may kasalanan ka ba? Takot ka bang makulong?” because that’s nothing but pure BS. I’m scared because we are putting the country at risk and everyone is still too blind to see it; we are saying goodbye to democracy, saying goodbye to our economy, saying goodbye to human rights.

Let’s not settle for someone like him just because we hate the current administration. Let’s not close our minds. But as I said in the beginning of this post, I cannot alter people’s choices, all I can say is, vote wisely and pray harder.

Love Changes

The first time you fall in love, it will be stomach-turning and you cannot explain or even comprehend what the hell you’re feeling. Everytime you’re with that person, you feel like your heart is going to leap out of your chest. You feel an infinite nervousness when he is near you; when he holds your hand, you feel like every source of electricity in the world is in that connection, that moment. When he kisses your cheek for the first time, you feel like nothing else in the world matters. You don’t know what’s going to happen, but you don’t care about the future because what matters most is the present and you think that nothing can ever go wrong. 

Until the universe hits you hard on the head, and suddenly, everything’s gone. You’re left with nothing but a broken heart, puffed eyes and wet pillows. You don’t know where to go from this point and all you wanna do is stay in bed and mope and think of every negative thing in the world. You will feel like you will never get over it, never feel better or even okay again.

But then, love will find you again. It would be like the first time, only this time, you’d look at it a little differently from the perspective of having your heart broken. You’re unsure whether to give your full trust to that person, you’re going to doubt and wonder if this will all be worth it but before you know it, you’ve already fallen deep into its pits once again. The butterflies would be there again, you’ll feel like you’re on top of the world because who can say no to love? It’s amazing and wonderful in so many ways.

But once again, the universe decided you’re never meant to be with that someone. It will pull you apart and would leave you shattered on your bedroom floor, crying. But then again, you’d feel the difference. It doesn’t hurt as much as it did the first time and you’ll realize that heartbreaks get easier and bearable sometimes. You’ll finally accept that there’s no such thing as forever; that people come and go and most of all, you’ll realize that most of the time, people change and sometimes they turn out to be the very exact person they swore they’d never be.

Of course, after all the twist and turns, you will love again. And I tell you, it will be different. He doesn’t make you feel nervous; doesn’t make you half-guess what you’re feeling. He doesn’t catch you off guard nor sweep you off your feet. What he makes you feel instead is calmness. Your heart is at peace, you feel like everything is finally falling into place. He isn’t leading the way, but walking beside you. This time, you’re not asking him to fix every piece of you that has been broken in the past because he accepts you as you are, flaws and all, and you accept him just the same. This time, you’re working on this long stretch of a path together, hand in hand. And most of all, not only does the present matter, this time, the future matters too.

Finally, you are no longer loving recklessly, but purposefully.

Book Review: Habang Wala Pa Sila by Juan Miguel Severo

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Rating: ★★★★★
Read: April 2016

It took only a single video for me to like this guy. It was my first time to listen to Spoken Word Poetry and I was instantly convinced that this guy really has the talent! The way he spits each and every word made it go straight to my heart. The way he delivered and performed left me awestruck. There was just so much power and passion in his eyes and voice. So when I heard about his book, I felt all giddy and excited.

The book is mainly a collection of all his poems and reading it made me fall in love with him even more. I don’t know what it is that he has, but each and every poem cut deep in my heart in a way I, myself couldn’t even understand. He has the power to make his readers and listeners feel his pain.

Ending this review with my favorite line from one of his poems, Naniniwala Ako:

At patawad, wag ka sanang mairita pero gusto kitang makita, maniwala ka, dahil minsan nakakasawa na nasa isip lang kita.

Book Review: Love & Misadventure by Lang Leav

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Rating: ★★★★★
Read: March 2016

I’ve always loved reading poems and has always been amazed by how beautifully it is written. I remember being so frustrated when I was a kid because I was so eager to make my own piece but I never really had the best inspiration, so I haven’t really come up with anything until recently, when I found him, the greatest inspiration of all. Suddenly, I know what Michael Faudet meant when he said, “I write because you exist.”

I really don’t know what took me so long to read Love and Misadventure, aside from the fact that it’s way too expensive. I cannot wait to read her two other books. All in all, I really loved this one. There are so many feelings attached to each piece that made it so real.

Here’s my favorite:

 

“Before I fell
in love with words,
with setting skies
and singing birds—
it was you I fell
in love with first.”

 

March 28, 2016: Twenty Second

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I can’t believe that just like that, it’s already been 22 years. Looking back, it seems like it was only yesterday when I keep complaining about how school is stressing the shit out of me and now, it’s been almost two years since I graduated and I’m still finding myself and learning so many things about life and the ‘real’ world.

It just feels so crazy looking back at how long I’ve been roaming this world and what’s crazier is that I don’t feel that it’s been that long already. Twenty two years. Wow, I’ve been through a lot and I can’t imagine that somehow, I survived everything and I’m still about to face so much more. With that, I’ve compiled 22 things I’ve learned and here they are:

  1. You don’t have to have it all figured out. Your 20s is all about enjoying life, exploring and learning new things.
  2. Cut out toxic people in your life. If they keep trying to pull you down, you don’t need them.
  3. Invest in relationships worth investing. If these people support you and help you grow as a person, keep them and further nurture your relationship with them. Family, friends, colleagues, boyfriend/girlfriend.
  4. Always think positive.
  5. What others think of you isn’t important. It’s none of your business and it should not drag you down.
  6. Your failures doesn’t define you, what defines you is how you stood up and tried again.
  7. Never compare your experiences with others’.
  8. Pursue your passion. Always do what you think is best for you, if it doesn’t go as planned, who cares? The thing is, you tried.
  9. Never be terrified of taking a break from the rest of the world.
  10. You cannot please everyone. You will be criticized and judged in everything you do, just accept it and continue to do things that will make you and your loved ones happy.
  11. Let yourself be heard.
  12. Do not let the negativity of the world consume you.
  13. Always trust your instincts.
  14. Learn from your mistakes. There is no point in regretting what is already said and done.
  15. Always take a moment to stop and notice the little things that can make you happy.
  16. Stop thinking too much of the future and live in the ‘now’.
  17. If it makes you happy, do it.
  18. It’s never a bad thing to put yourself first.
  19. It’s never too late to start anew.
  20. When God closes a window, know that he is about to open a gate.
  21. No obstacle is ever too hard when you have faith in Him.
  22. The only constant thing in this world is change and all we have to do is accept all the changes and keep moving forward. We may usually not see it clearer at the moment, but rest assured, it’s all for the best.

There are really no words to describe how blessed and thankful I feel to be surrounded by awesome people. I cannot really pinpoint when and where it started, and how, but somehow, I woke up one day with a big smile on my face and realized that there are so many things to be thankful about. Truly, God always has a better plan for each and every downfall. I woke up one day and despite the stress, I know that I am happy and that this is all worth the wait and the struggle and the hurt. I finally understood, I finally know who and what I am waking up for. I may not have it all figured out yet, but I know that I will, soon.

You’re the moon that lights up the night sky. 
Beautiful, mysterious and so full of power.

You are a book that I’ll never get tired of reading.

You are the song that plays on my mind every now and then.
The song that my heart knows very well.

You are the Christmas day that I’ve been waiting all year to come;
so jolly and full of life.

You are a garden full of flowers that I can spend all afternoon just staring at.

You are the rainbow that awaits every storm.
A collision of colors so beautiful it gives hope.

You are an implosion of diamonds that sparkles in every corner of my life.

You are that one thing I have that resembles to every beautiful thing in the world.

You are a miracle; a touch of heaven on earth.
And I am so happy to be the one to have found you.

Book Review: White Hot Kiss by Jennifer L. Armentrout

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RATING: ★ ★ ★ ★

White Hot Kiss is the first ever book written by JLA that I’ve read. It took me some time reading it because it’s really been a struggle reading these days, having work and all. But the book was absolutely an awesome read!

It’s about Layla, trying so much to fit in with the family she grew up with. They are Wardens, entitled to keep the world demon-free, but Layla is only half-Warden, and the other half? Yup, you guessed it, demon. And just when she thought her life couldn’t get any worse, it did. Suddenly, everything she ever believed in came crashing down and the only way to find the truth out is to be friends with a demon. A demon so handsome she couldn’t say no.

I liked how this book has just the right mixture of fantasy and romance in it. I found myself shipping for Layla and Roth rather than Layla and Zayne. I really still have no idea who she will end up with at the end of the third book but I hope it’s Roth. He’s done a lot of undevil things just for her and that, for me, is the true meaning of love.

“I lost myself the moment I found you.”