I’ll Leave This Blank

Trigger Warning: This post is messed up, you don’t have to read it. I just want to get it out of my head (if that’s even possible).

I feel so pressured lately that everyday I wake up to the thought that I’m running out of time. Suddenly, everything I do feels like it’s going to have a huge impact to my future.

I don’t know what to think of it, really. I’m the type of person who get so stressed easily, and these thoughts are seriously stressing me out. But on the other hand, it’s the first time in my whole life that I have a solid image of the future and I badly want to hold on to that image.

For the first time in 25 years (almost), I know what I want and I know where I need to be and who I want to be with. All I need to figure out right now is how I will execute everything.

I feel like I’m running out of time and I don’t want that. I don’t want all this to slip away just like that. I didn’t go through all that just to lose everything I’ve worked so hard for.

Advertisement

An Excerpt From My Diary Dated August 3, 2018

A lot of things happened today. It felt like tomorrow would be the end of the world. We had so much fun until we had to say goodbye.

It hurts so much. I didn’t want him to leave – I didn’t want to let him go. My heart was racing the whole evening and my stomach felt like it’s spinning. I wanted to throw up at the thought that I wouldn’t be able to talk to him in the next two weeks or even forever.

The thought of him not wanting me to be a part of his life scares the hell out of me. I badly wanted to tell him to just hold my hand and choose me every single day of his life, but I didn’t. I sucked at asking people to stay because I’m afraid of getting rejected.

I know I have to stay strong and be ready to face whatever he decides to do, but that doesn’t make it any less painful.

2018

If there is one thing that I learned this year, it’s that I don’t have to feel bad about feeling the way I feel and that following whatever it is that my heart desires isn’t selfish. I came to the realization that when it comes to my happiness, other people’s opinion does not matter.

Sometimes, life has its own way of giving you exactly what you need packaged in the most unexpected circumstances and it’s up to you if you’ll grab it and hold on to it or let it pass you by. In my case, I held on to it and fought so hard just to make it work. I had to, because if I didn’t, I would’ve lost my only chance at happiness.

I’ve fought so many silent battles and I had to keep reminding myself every single day that everything will be alright sooner or later.

This year, I fell in love with someone who constantly shows me that I don’t have to fight my battles alone. Someone who not only brings out the best in me, but also sees every flaw and still believes in me.

This year may have been full of twists and turns, but I still ended up where I wanted to be — with him.

2018 may not have been how I pictured it to be, but it was surprisingly everything I never thought I needed.

A Recap on All the TV Series & Movies I Watched Recently

To start with, there are a lot of TV series that I’ve started watching before but didn’t really caught up on because the season breaks are too long that most of the time, I lose interest. Recently, though, I signed up for Netflix’s free-trial and have watched a lot of series. I used to just watch some of the series that I think is interesting online, but the server of the website where I was watching has always been down recently and it frustrated the heck out of me. So I decided to sign up for Netflix and just pay for it after the free-trial. So here they are:

Riverdale (2016- )

image

It all started with Riverdale. I was just instantly hooked the moment I watched the pilot episode almost two years ago, but as usual, I got tired of waiting for the next episode to be uploaded online. And then, I tried watching it again this year and I just couldn’t get enough. The reason I got so interested in watching this series is because I have always been a big fan of the Archie comics and Riverdale’s dark take on the comics has really piqued my interest.

Stranger Things (2016- )

image

I didn’t really think I’d like this as much as I do now. My cousin has been so addicted to this series, so I started watching it after I finished the last episode of Riverdale Season 2. I personally loved Dustin because he’s so adorable! I can’t wait for season 3.

Gerald’s Game (2017)

image

This was a hell of a movie. It messed not only with my mind, but with my emotions. Upon watching the film, all I can think about is, “How much of mess would it cause me if I read the book?” Because I know how Stephen King writes. He’s very talented to the point that he can and he will get in your head.

When We First Met (2018)

image

All I can say about this movie is that it’s too cute. I love the idea of the film and the twist at the end. The message (for me, at least) is that no matter how much you try to alter things, what’s meant to be will always find its way. So might as well just do your best at everything because you will always end up where you’re supposed to be.

2017, So Far

Image

2017 has got to be the most challenging year for me so far. To start off, I left my first job in the hopes that the next one will be better but it wasn’t. In fact, it was more stressful and toxic than the first one and knowing that I made the wrong decision just because I was so eager to leave my first job—that broke me. It was hard to accept, I didn’t know where to go from there and what else to do, I lasted there for about four months. I just couldn’t handle the stress anymore, and I’ve never felt more tired.

After leaving my second job, I was blessed with finding a new one in the company where I interned. It brought back so many memories, but it all felt great knowing that I wouldn’t have a hard time adjusting with some of the people in the office. But after training, I was challenged again. This time it is because I feel like my skills doesn’t fit the job. My friends encouraged me that I will eventually get used to it, and I did. But still, there are moments when I feel like I don’t really know and understand what I’m doing. I’m still here though, learning as though I’m a student again. I hope I can survive.

The whole year was indeed full of challenges, but one thing is for sure, I learned a lot. I realized so many things about myself, who my real friends are, and more importantly, I learned so many things about life and adulthood. It’s not easy and it never will be, but I got to face each day with my head held up high because there are people who have it harder than me, people who are suffering and fighting for their lives, so I can’t just give up.

In 2018, I have no resolutions, no wishes, and no expectations. I decided to just go with the flow and whatever happens, happens. The universe may be tough, but it also gives us hope. So here’s to new challenges, lessons, and cheers to better days ahead. 💖

Almost December

I know I haven’t updated for a month or two, it’s just that I’ve been really busy with my new work. Even though the company that I currently work at is the same company where I’ve had my internship, adjusting has been really challenging. The transition hasn’t been easy as I do creative writing in my previous work while I do technical writing here. There were times that I felt like I will never get the hang of this, that things will crumble down for me again because it’s been so long since I last dealt with technical stuff like this, but I have to believe in myself more.

In fact, this whole year has been filled with challenges – I’ve left two jobs in just a year. It was hard, I feel like all the choices that I made were wrong. But I eventually learned how to cope and forgive myself for the wrong decisions that I made as it will make me stronger as time goes by.

Aside from work-related stuff, this year has also been crazy when it comes to my health. I constantly suffer from massive headaches which has been really bothersome. I recently got my eyes checked and learned that my eye grade has increased for both eyes, and I’m hoping that after using my new specs, my headaches would subside. Otherwise, I’d have to get my head checked too.

On the brighter side of things, 2017 has been a really great reading year for me. I’ve read 100 books out of my goal of 60 as of today! I hope that next year will be a better one as I plan to read more. Reading has been one of the things that keeps me sane despite all that’s happened this year, it was my stress-reliever and escape from the world when it seems like it’s too much. Well, aside from my year being filled with DC superhero-related books and comic books, I can say that Percy Jackson has been a really big part of my 2017. I just can’t imagine what I was doing the past couple of years and why I haven’t read it until this year, but as I keep saying, it’s better late than never!

There goes my quick update, I hope everyone’s having a good time and that we hold on tight as the end of the year is fast-approaching. 🙂

#LifeUpdate

Hello, hello! I hope that all is well for everyone.

I’m currently on an almost month-long break after I resigned. I’ve found a new job as a technical writer at this BPO company in Makati where I interned at, it’s not the kind of writing that I want but I figured it’ll do as I know most of the people working there and I just feel so welcomed and I haven’t even started yet. I start on the 19th, by the way.

So anyway, I’ve been on “vacation” for two weeks now, and I can say that I’m enjoying it; the rest, the time to myself, and all the books and comic books that I get to read and catch up with. I’ve read a total of 19 books for the month of August (5 novels, 2 poem books, and 12 comic books)! I’ll be writing reviews on the novels and poem books soon.

At this point, I just want to enjoy life and the rest that I have and hope and pray that the company where I’ll be working at soon is far better than the last one. 

hot chocolate & migraines

I’ve been having frequent headaches these past couple of days yet I kept dragging myself up every morning, trying to convince myself that I can do this; that there’s only a few weeks left. The only remedy that made my days bearable was drinking a cup of hot Mexican chocolate that’s just perfect for the crazy weather we’ve been having recently.

Four months — It only took 4 months for me to realize that this is not what I want and this is not where I belong. I’ve always wanted to write, and I have to admit that as soon as I was offered a job as a content writer, I jumped right into it, head first. And guess where that brought me? Nope, not exactly where I wanted to be.

The past four months has been really hard for me and looking back, I don’t even know how I managed to get through every week with only Sunday as my rest day. Don’t get me wrong, I would never regret leaving my previous job before this, but I hate how I feel like I’ve been tricked into this job, like everyone lied to me.

I was never informed during my interview of the important details, and the worst part is, I asked and all they fed me was pure lies. I am angry, and stressed out, but what can I do? I tried to catch up, I did everything, my monthly evaluation even says that I’m doing greater than what they expected. But it’s hard and I’m tired, and I can’t do it anymore.

So two weeks ago, I finally had the guts to file my resignation. I didn’t regret it, in fact, I found myself breathing a sigh of relief. I just can’t wait to get out of here.

Life is the greatest challenge of all; there are times when I think that I just can’t do it anymore. Times when all I want to do is pack my things and run away. Sometimes, everything comes crashing down on me and the worst part is, most of the time, I have no idea how to make it stop.

The thing is, it’s true that the world doesn’t stop for anybody. We’re all humans, we’re all going through something that shatters us inside, it’s just a matter of how we deal with it. But really, I just feel like I’m too young to go through this much stress. The world keeps spinning, and it keeps dragging me as it goes. 

I know I’m not the only one going through this, heck, some people out there are going through something much worse. I know I’m no one special, but I just want to stop the cycle, to stop the pain.

7 of 12

Way back in college, I’ve always liked the idea of being an “adult.” Back then, it feels like everything in the “real world” is much easier than going to school and having to study for quizzes, exams, or preparing for thesis reports. So when I graduated, I was so happy and the future seemed so bright, yet here I am now — more confused than ever.

It started when my supervisor in my first job left for another job, and the one who replaced her can actually be pertained to as the epitome of stress. That caused the whole team to feel just as stressed as she was, and we grew farther away from each other. Before, we used to feel like we were family, despite the problems the team had to face every once in a while, but when she stepped in, it all suddenly just went crumbling down. 

So I eventually gathered up all the courage I have and looked for another job. I left with a heavy heart, because I’ve met a lot of awesome people there. We’ve become so close, that it felt like I could open up to them about everything. Yet, I thought, I had to leave for my future. I pursued my dreams of becoming a writer and was so happy that despite the little experience I have when it comes to writing, I was accepted for a job as one.

Little did I know that it would just add up to all the stress and depression that I’m already going through. It’s hard to explain, in a way, because the work itself is bearable and it’s actually what I wanted. But the environment, the surroundings, the schedule, the forced overtimes, the “owner…” Everything just added up to the stress. 

So right now, I don’t really know where I go from here. But I’ve been reading this book by Nicholas Sparks, See Me, and as I continued reading, there are parts of the book that feels like it’s giving me a sign:

“While she’d been certain that things would be better once she was settled in, she’d slowly come to realize that job stress simply came in different flavors, and this one wasn’t much better tasting than the one before it.”

Just exactly how I’m feeling. And here’s another one:

“Work is important because I have to support myself, but so are friends, health, rest.”

I am still weighing my options and I’m thinking all this through because I don’t want to jump right into something that I will regret soon. I just hope that I find the answer to all my questions, before I go insane with all that’s going on in my life right now.