Life is the greatest challenge of all; there are times when I think that I just can’t do it anymore. Times when all I want to do is pack my things and run away. Sometimes, everything comes crashing down on me and the worst part is, most of the time, I have no idea how to make it stop.

The thing is, it’s true that the world doesn’t stop for anybody. We’re all humans, we’re all going through something that shatters us inside, it’s just a matter of how we deal with it. But really, I just feel like I’m too young to go through this much stress. The world keeps spinning, and it keeps dragging me as it goes. 

I know I’m not the only one going through this, heck, some people out there are going through something much worse. I know I’m no one special, but I just want to stop the cycle, to stop the pain.

Way back in college, I’ve always liked the idea of being an “adult.” Back then, it feels like everything in the “real world” is much easier than going to school and having to study for quizzes, exams, or preparing for thesis reports. So when I graduated, I was so happy and the future seemed so bright, yet here I am now — more confused than ever.

It started when my supervisor in my first job left for another job, and the one who replaced her can actually be pertained to as the epitome of stress. That caused the whole team to feel just as stressed as she was, and we grew farther away from each other. Before, we used to feel like we were family, despite the problems the team had to face every once in a while, but when she stepped in, it all suddenly just went crumbling down. 

So I eventually gathered up all the courage I have and looked for another job. I left with a heavy heart, because I’ve met a lot of awesome people there. We’ve become so close, that it felt like I could open up to them about everything. Yet, I thought, I had to leave for my future. I pursued my dreams of becoming a writer and was so happy that despite the little experience I have when it comes to writing, I was accepted for a job as one.

Little did I know that it would just add up to all the stress and depression that I’m already going through. It’s hard to explain, in a way, because the work itself is bearable and it’s actually what I wanted. But the environment, the surroundings, the schedule, the forced overtimes, the “owner…” Everything just added up to the stress. 

So right now, I don’t really know where I go from here. But I’ve been reading this book by Nicholas Sparks, See Me, and as I continued reading, there are parts of the book that feels like it’s giving me a sign:

“While she’d been certain that things would be better once she was settled in, she’d slowly come to realize that job stress simply came in different flavors, and this one wasn’t much better tasting than the one before it.”

Just exactly how I’m feeling. And here’s another one:

“Work is important because I have to support myself, but so are friends, health, rest.”

I am still weighing my options and I’m thinking all this through because I don’t want to jump right into something that I will regret soon. I just hope that I find the answer to all my questions, before I go insane with all that’s going on in my life right now.

Lately, life has been kind of suffocating. It’s actually crazy how at one point I thought that I finally got my shit together, then life happened and reality hit me straight on the face once again. 

It’s been months since I last felt okay and it’s been a struggle since then. And it’s hard knowing that no one can actually help me but myself and I haven’t felt this way before, ever. I badly want to scream and tell the world to stop and hold still for a second because I honestly can’t keep up anymore. 

I hate it, I hate this—not knowing what to do and where this is all coming from is very stressful. Suddenly, waking up every morning is the hardest thing to do and I always find myself looking forward to the afternoons when I get to go home and when I finally do get home, I feel exhausted and tired and helpless, not to mention the stress that adds up to it when everyone and everything at home seems to be in such chaos.

I’ve never felt so alone in my life and it’s crazy because I am almost always surrounded by people and the weird part is, on most days, I feel more at peace when I am alone at a coffee shop or at home than I am when I am with other people. Maybe I just got used to it, maybe I’m no longer happy with what’s currently happening in my life since everything has been “just a routine” and I don’t know how, but one thing is for sure, I gotta find my way out of this.