“If happiness could be broken down into units of time, it would be those magical seconds when you said: ‘I don’t want to miss a lifetime with you, Lenn. I love you.'”
I choose you, too, and I’m truly grateful that we both made the same decision. I am so happy that I wouldn’t have to spend every waking hour of my life wondering what it would feel like being in your arms. I love you for always. ♥
As we closed another year, we dive not only into a new year but into a new decade and looking back at the past years made me realize how much I went through to survive it. It’s crazy how it feels like 10 years just passed by way too fast. I didn’t even notice that I’ve been out of college for five whole years now. It’s insane.
I started the decade fresh out of high school and wandered my way through college with high hopes for what the future holds for me. I’ve met so many people along the way, and ended the decade with very few real ones and maybe that’s for the best.
I’m ending the decade right after my quarter-life crisis year — 2019 wasn’t easy, and I really hope I find my way through it because, like most people, I’ve also done things that I’m not really proud of. But I do look forward to accepting life and getting over the things that at the back of my head, I know I can never really change anymore.
As everyone’s posting about the successes they’ve achieved in the past 10 years on social media, I’m just here — writing about how proud I am of myself for graduating on time, finding a job, getting over and moving on from things that no longer serve my higher being, losing people, finding the love of my life, trying my best to see the light amidst all the darkness, grasping for air every time life tries to kick me until I run out of breath, and basically surviving and keeping myself alive.
It was a great decade, nonetheless. Not as easy as it seems, but definitely worth it. Again, happy new year! May we spend 2020 learning to finally loving ourselves and making our dreams come true. ♥
Day in and day out, all I do is write. A lot of people would ask me, “What is it with writing that you adore so much?” The truth is, I’ve tried and tried, but I could never come up with the perfect answer or explanation for that particular question because, really, it had me thinking, what is it with writing that I love so much?
When I am writing, the world seemed limitless and so were my words. Somehow, I feel like when I am in front of my laptop, my hands perfectly coordinate with my keyboard – as if the words flow naturally. It’s like inhaling life itself and penning them down to make every unexpected moment frozen in time.
Every composition is written with a trinket of my blood – siphoning every bit of my heart so I could come up with the perfect prose, the perfect article, the perfect letter – each article symbolizes a different battle scar. So when I write about love, I hope you know that each article took a lot of digging deep into the depths of my heart – every article took a piece of my heart to justify your presence in my midst.
Remember that pens are mightier than swords and each layer I peel out from myself to write about the magnificence of your existence in my life – how your scars are nothing but blemishes to a flawless exterior or how your stare felt like the sun touching my skin or how your smile can turn a stormy day into summer – I am slowly putting down my shield.
You see, every story I write is a moment of weakness; it’s as if I am letting you peek straight into my soul – as if I am slowly destroying the walls surrounding my heart – and slowly opening up to you and to the world before us.
There is another me in a different dimension where I do not feel like this. Another dimension where my heart fits perfectly into my chest and I am not afraid of the things that make me feel alive.
It sucks that I live in this world where everything feels like it’s going to tear me apart. It’s like I’m always waiting for something to snap — for the sky to fall, for the ground to break, for myself to keep falling into an infinite abyss — always waiting for something to crash.
Love taught me that at one point in time, everyone I’ve ever loved had taken a part of me and nothing will ever be left for myself but the bruises, scars, and burns. Continue reading →
Whenever I write about how our relationship started, it always goes back to that one August evening that changed everything.
But I realized that I never got the chance to mention how we actually started talking and hanging out. Today, when I finally got home from a long and tiring day at work, I thought about that one conversation that started it all. It just kind of popped in my mind — it was so sudden, that I had to write about it. Continue reading →
I’ve always been someone who wears her heart on her sleeve; someone who loves with all her heart. But growing up, I realized that the downfall of it all is that you let people see parts of you that you can’t get back, parts of you that only you know about; you let them see your fears, and think that they will share it with you, to lessen what you’re feeling, but in reality, you just let yourself be vulnerable to more pain.
It’s ironic that I get to write about all these things, yet I keep going in circles. I’ve always loved love and all the things that come with it — laughter, sadness, happiness, tears — but love isn’t supposed to be complicated, though love isn’t easy either. Love will throw challenges, obstacles, and trials that if you’re not strong enough to conquer, you’ll lose everything you’ve worked hard for.
I can say this over and over again, but most of the time, I go back in circles — I chicken out of being strong. Fear is eating me up, and I badly wanted to run from it and just get rid of this sinking feeling that I’ll eventually end up in tears but I don’t know how to fight it.
It sucks that deep inside, I know that the only reason I’m so sad and tired is because I keep letting fear take over me and I know what to do, yet why does it feel so hard to do so? Why does it feel so hard to just let things be?
Now, I am, by no means, the best writer in the world nor do I claim to be — I don’t think I am even half there. There are still so much room for improvement, learning, and more practice.
Writing, for me, is not only a hobby that I cannot let go of but my way of pouring out my thoughts and feelings. I find it therapeutic; the way it helps me clear my mind and make me feel like someone is listening even though I am only facing this blank, white page that will soon be filled with my words. Continue reading →
“Without hesitations, he kissed her lips, her ear, and then her neck which sent shivers along her skin. He placed his hand on her back and held her tight as he continued to kiss her. With every touch of his lips against hers, it made her feel as if she’s worth so much; like she’s priceless. Like she’s some kind of puzzle that he’s willing to solve and piece back together no matter how long it takes.
She nervously placed her hand at the back of his neck and as the kiss deepened, she grabbed a lock of his hair as if she knew exactly what she was doing. She was feeling every feeling at once that she couldn’t think straight. The burst of feelings overwhelmed her.
In between kisses, they both kept whispering, “I love you.” They were smiling at each other like teenagers falling in love for the first time. It was crazy, it was funny, it felt good, but it was all too confusing at the same time. She was too scared, she didn’t know if this night will make or break her.
But she didn’t want to think about that, she wanted to live in the moment while it lasted. She closed her eyes and felt every touch of his lips against hers—against her skin.
She had never felt like that before. Like she wanted nothing more than to be in that moment; no other guy ever made her feel the way he did — no other guy had that kind of power over her.“
What is 25 supposed to feel like, anyway? Do you have to feel perfectly at peace with yourself? Do you have to be successful? Do you have to feel like you’ve got everything under control or that you have everything figured out? Honestly, I don’t have the answers either. Our mid-twenties are supposed to be the time for exploring everything — finding yourself, going beyond your limits, and the likes. Yet, here I am, spending most of my time feeling confused and stressed out.
There are days when I spend the whole day feeling pressured about the future – how each day and year leads closer and closer to my 30s and I’m still not where I thought I would be as an individual and that thought scares the shit out of me.
But hey, it’s my 25th year of existence, and though I am far from having everything figured out, in this post, instead of dwelling into the black hole, I will focus on the lessons that I picked up along the way (and have yet to apply in my daily life). Some of it may not be as important to others as it is important to me, but we all have different challenges in life, right? So, here goes:
Hobbies are worth the time and investment — May it be reading, sports, writing, etc. If it matters to you, it’s worth it.
Don’t let others convince you that your interests are a waste of time — Don’t let others’ opinion of what you enjoy doing get in your head. We all have different interests.
Cut toxic people out of your life — You have a lot of problems already, you don’t need other people adding up to that stress.
Your health matters (physical and mental) — Yes, work is important and it is your source of income but taking a break once in a while is okay.
Skin care is important — One thing I’ve learned in the past year is that skin care is just as important as breathing. Take care of your body, and everything else follows.
Drink lots of water — This is a problem I’ve been struggling with for the longest time, and I just needed to keep reminding myself that being hydrated is part of my skin care.
Make time (or even exceptions) for the people and things that matter — If they matter to you, going out of your way just to make time for them is worth it, regardless of the consequences.
Stop focusing on what others think of you — This is still a work in progress for me, but I’ll get the hang of it.
Save for your future — Splurging every once in a while is okay, but always always always save up for your future. It’s all for you, anyway.
Be kind, always — It may be hard to be kind when everyone around you seems to be testing your patience, but brush them off and be kind anyways.
Never sell yourself short — Never settle for something or someone just because everyone thinks it’s the best for you. You’re the one who should know what’s best for you.
Take risks — Never be afraid to take risks, it’s always better to say “at least I tried,” than forever wondering what could’ve been if you took the risk.
Take a moment of rest — Staying in doesn’t make you boring. Sleep the whole day to make up for a stressful week. Just rest.
It’s totally okay not to like what everyone else likes — You don’t have to like that popular movie series, or book series, or that new restaurant that everyone’s talking about, or travelling. If you’re not into it, don’t force yourself to like it.
You don’t have to be following the footsteps of the person who came before you — You are your own person. You can’t keep competing with someone who came before you — they’re no longer in the picture for a reason. And you replaced them for a reason, too. So, focus on yourself.
You are never an option — If someone makes you think that you are an option, get rid of them.
It is never wrong to love with all your heart — Now, this is too personal but I need to stop overthinking things and just unleash the love that I’ve long been holding back.
You are important — Never neglect your importance in this world, because if you can’t appreciate yourself, who else will?
Your thoughts, ideas, and feelings matter — Never let anyone invalidate whatever it is that you think or feel towards something.
Let things be – if it’s meant for you, it’s meant for you.
Don’t stress over every damn thing — This needs to be emphasized. You don’t have control over everything, so stop worrying about every damn thing. Yes, I’m talking to you, self.
You don’t have to apologize for what you feel — Your feelings matter. No explanations needed.
Take care of yourself — You need to take care of yourself the way you take care of the people and things that matter to you. You should be your first priority.
Crying doesn’t make you weak — Sometimes you just have to let things out. Your anger, your frustration — everything, and crying helps release all that.
Celebrate the little things — Everyone has their own share of problems, but the key to being happy is that you should not spend all your time dwelling on those problems. Celebrate your little victories, it still a victory, no matter how small.
I hope these 25 things helps you, too, to be more positive and to see the light in the dark because life will always be unfair to all of us, but that’s what makes it fair all the same.
Wow, I can’t believe it’s already been two months since I last written something here. With that said, I can totally say that a lot has happened since then. There are so many things that dawned on me during the two months that I was away from this haven. What brought me back is that I really miss writing my heart out. Only here am I able to be fully transparent about everything that is currently running through my head without anyone trying to shut out whatever it is that I am feeling.
In just a few weeks I’ll be turning 25, and I have honestly been questioning my whole existence. There are so many things I want to do, to try, to explore — there are so many things out there to enjoy and discover. Yet, here I am. I feel like I wasted 25 years being stuck in the same place and I just can’t figure out how to break away from this mess.
These days, my life has been really confusing and I’ve been overthinking everything – from what will happen today or later this afternoon to what will happen next week or even in the future. It’s just— I’ve never felt this lost before. They say that if the people around you is causing you too much stress and negativity, get rid of them. But honestly, how can I do that when the most toxic people in my life are the ones who are supposed to support me? It’s frustrating when they think they’re protecting me or that they’re helping me be a better person when in reality, they don’t realize that they’re holding me off of the things that will help me grow and improve.
It’s actually hard when these supposedly important people in your life doesn’t understand you, but it’s harder when they insist what they know or what they think is right for you, as if they own you – as if you’re their robot and you have to do everything they say. All my life I keep going by the rules – their rules – yet, all they remember and all that matters to them are those little mistakes that I’ve made along the way. It gets frustrating and tiring and I don’t think anyone would even understand what I’m trying to say, but I’m writing this down anyway. It just feels like I have no one to talk to about certain things that’s been bothering me, and knowing myself, I’ll go crazy if I don’t let these feelings and thoughts out.