Trying to Exist Without Shrinking

Posted on 12/15/2025 by Lenn

Lately, I’ve been carrying around this feeling that things just aren’t going the way I want them to. I know that’s not unusual—life rarely follows a straight line, and I’ve made my peace with that, at least intellectually. I understand that setbacks happen, plans shift, and sometimes you just have to sit with discomfort until it passes.

But what’s been harder to accept is where that discomfort is coming from.

The people who are supposed to support me—the ones who should feel like solid ground—sometimes feel like the very ones pulling me down. Instead of lifting me up, I feel trapped in a space I don’t recognize or want to be in. It’s exhausting to feel like you’re constantly pushing forward while the people around you are quietly—or not so quietly—holding you back.

Most of the time, I feel alone. Even when I’m surrounded by people. Even when the room is full and the conversations are loud, there’s this persistent emptiness, this sense that I’m standing on the outside looking in. It feels like, at the end of the day, I only have myself. No real support system. No safe place to land when things get heavy. Continue reading →

When Grief Finds You Quietly

Posted on 05/06/2025 by Lenn

Grief doesn’t always arrive with grand gestures.

Sometimes, it slips in gently—through a memory, a quiet moment, or the realization that someone you’ve known all your life is no longer here.

Last week, we lost one of my lolo’s brothers. He wasn’t a constant presence in my everyday life, but he still held a meaningful place in my heart. I looked up to him in a quiet way. His presence was a steady thread in the fabric of my childhood.

I remember seeing him often when I was younger—at family gatherings, during casual visits—the kinds of moments you don’t always realize are shaping you. In the past few years, especially during his illness, I made it a point to visit when I could. Not out of obligation, but because I wanted to. I wanted to show up, even in small ways, while I still could.

His passing hit harder than I expected—not because we were especially close, but because he was part of a generation I grew up around. A generation that helped raise us, even if just by being present. And with his passing, I felt that familiar ache again—one I first felt in 2021 when we lost his brother, another one of my lolo’s siblings. That loss was heavy too, and I remember thinking back then: They’re really growing old. Time is really moving.

It’s a strange thing, watching the older generation slowly fade. It’s not just their absence that hurts—it’s what they represented. Their stories. Their warmth. Their humor. Their strength. Pieces of our family history that slowly become memory.

During the funeral, I felt my lolo’s heartache. He was trying to be strong for everyone, holding himself together the best he could—but I know he is hurting. Seeing that grief in someone I love deeply made the loss feel even heavier.

I know I’m not at the center of this grief, and I hold deep respect and love for the immediate family who are feeling this loss more acutely. But still, I grieve too—in my own quiet way. I carry memories of them both—of their laughter, their kindness, and how they were simply there, anchoring parts of my life I didn’t realize I’d miss so much.

Grief doesn’t require permission or proximity. It comes because we’ve loved, even gently, even from the sidelines. And that love deserves space.

Celebrating Another Year

Posted on 04/01/2025 by Lenn

Last Friday marked another trip around the sun, and as I sit down to reflect, I can’t help but feel grateful for all the moments—big and small—that have shaped me over the past year. Birthdays have always been a mix of emotions for me, a blend of excitement, nostalgia, and quiet contemplation.

This year, my celebration was simple and intimate, surrounded by family, love, and good food. No grand parties or extravagant plans—just heartfelt conversations, laughter, and a warm sense of home. Sometimes, the best way to honor another year of life is by embracing the little things that bring us joy.

Looking back, this past year has been one of growth. I’ve explored new places, dived deeper into my passions, and allowed myself the grace to take things slow. I’ve learned to appreciate the beauty of moving at my own pace—whether in reading, in life, or in pursuing goals. There’s no rush, no race, just the journey itself.

As I step into this new chapter, I hope to continue embracing the unknown with curiosity, to find joy in the ordinary, and to surround myself with stories—both the ones I read and the ones I create in my own life. If this past year has taught me anything, it’s that time is best spent doing what makes your soul feel alive.

So here’s to another year of adventures, of books that keep me up at night, of laughter that lingers long after the moment has passed, and of love in all its wonderful forms.

Happy belated birthday to me! ♡

Fear

Posted on 09/24/2024 by Lenn

“Lenn, buti hindi ka nananaginip sa pagbabasa mo ng horror?” My mother-in-law would randomly ask me whenever we are left alone or whenever she saw me holding another horror novel.

I would just laugh it off and let her wonder why I’m so fond of reading such frightening books—books that should, by all means, keep me up at night. Little does she know, it’s actually a defense mechanism on my part.

Growing up, I often had nightmares about losing things and people I love. I think that, despite feeling fine and happy during the day, my fears just sit at the back of my mind, waiting to pounce on me whenever they get the chance. And one way they do so is by creeping into my dreams. On those awful nights, I’d wake up drenched in sweat, either screaming or with my heart racing a million beats per minute. I hate losing people, especially those dearest to me.

That’s why I’m drawn to horror books in the first place. I’d rather dream about ghosts, monsters, and other fictional creatures than face my greatest fear in my sleep.

The Dusty Diary #4 🌸

Posted on 05/11/2022 by Lenn

And, thus, the heart will break, yet brokenly live on. – Lord Byron

As the campaign period comes to an end and the election day is over, I would like to say that it has been an honor to fight and spread the right information alongside the woman with the cleanest track record amongst all the candidates. The partial and unofficial tallies have been disheartening, but whatever the outcome will be, I know that, we, the supporters have to accept it. I’d be lying if I say that I never shed a tear because of the results because I did. I cried at random moments of the day, but who wouldn’t? I guess, I invested too much of everything during the campaign period or maybe I had my hopes up way too high.

Regardless, I know that we fought a good fight and I will never regret supporting the person that BBC called the “dream candidate.” The past couple of months have given me hope for a better tomorrow and a clearer future for those who are heavily dependent on the government’s performance, albeit it might not be the case right now based on the partial and unofficial results. To me, the light bulb of hope that I had up until the morning of May 9th turned into a lit match stick, but at least there’s still light. Who knows, right?

We were fighting for good governance, and I don’t understand how that could be wrong. It was never about the candidate, but more about her values, principles, and dreams for a better country. It just so happens that she is the sole candidate who embodied (and still does) these things — she shared our hopes and dreams for a better country. We were not fighting for her, but rather with her. Personally, one of my reasons why I fought with her against a regime known for human rights abuse, kleptocracy, and dictatorship is to avoid reopening wounds that would hurt the elderlies who have lost a loved one and have been hurt during the dark days of the Philippines. Alas, these things have been forgotten by the people. It pains me to witness this happening firsthand, but if this is what the people have decided on, then so be it. That’s democracy, after all.

Despite their victory, some of us are grieving the loss of a possible honest and transparent government. Being mocked by others for being sad and for being silent hurts not because we are embarrassed, but because we knew that the fight wasn’t entirely for us, but for those who are depending on the government’s performance (o mga nasa laylayan). People keep on saying that no one should depend on the government in order to live their life, that we all have the power to write our story to be successful, but a lot of people in our laylayan have been working their asses off day after day for the past years or even decades, but still remain to be part of the marginalized poor. Not having to understand this just show how privileged we are.

In any case, whoever is proclaimed the new leaders of this country, I would like to wish them good luck and may they both serve the Filipinos with the best of their will. And just like what I wrote in 2016, I will continue to be vigilant — I will continue to call out any injustice that may arise, because that’s my responsibility as a Filipino.

Golden Year: 28 on the 28th

Posted on 03/28/2022 by Lenn

Today, I turn the same age as my birthdate which makes this year as my golden year. I never knew about this until my cousin told me a couple of days ago that that’s what it’s called and it all just clicked — this year has been really good to me so far. I know the first quarter of 2022 is only about to end, but I really feel that 2022 is going to be a year of redemption for me! I know that whatever it is that’s happening in my life right now, my successes and happiness is a result of everything I’ve worked hard for in the past years, but it’s still nice to think that the universe is conspiring enough for me to be as happy as I can be. Continue reading →

Skincare Talk #1

Posted on 07/15/2021 by Lenn

I’ve been getting a lot of questions about the skincare product(s) that I use, so I decided to make a post about it here on my blog! I started investing on skincare in 2015, and I’ve tried a lot of products since then. I have tried using a lot of different brands over the years until I found the products that works best for my skin.

If you’re a newbie, it is very important to determine what skin type you have as some products tend to cause irritation and breakouts if they are not suitable for your skin type. My skin type is a combination of oily (on the nose and chin area) and dry skin, so the products that I use are best recommended for people with the same skin type.

Continue reading →

Eureka! Moment #6: Backdrops

Posted on 08/10/2020 by Lenn

Hello, blogosphere! It’s that time of the month again where I feature something that I have discovered and have totally enjoyed using from the previous month. For July, I will be talking about backdrops!

As you all know, I love taking photos of food, places, my books, and basically anything I can think of. Going into quarantine, I don’t have a lot of food and places to take pictures of. So I am left with my books for my Instagram content and it has been a struggle for me to look for an IG-worthy space in our house that fits my aesthetic. So I have been using my white pillow case as background for my photos:

Using my pillow case was totally okay, but it’s already starting to wear out and needed cleaning, and I don’t have an alternate pillow case (or any other cloth, for that matter) to use. So I decided to look for other materials that I can use for my photos’ backgrounds and have found out about these backdrops and it totally up-ed my game in flatlay photos.

This backdrop that I found in Lazada is reversible and has two designs which are both white. I also bought an orange cloth backdrop which I also sometimes use when I get tired of the white background. I am absolutely in love with both products that I am planning on buying another color for each; I’m planning on getting a darker shade for the base backdrops and a lighter one for the cloth backdrops.

Here are some sample photos where I’ve used them:

Amazing, right? I think there are a lot of other shops selling these kind of backdrops. You can look it up in both Lazada and Shopee so you can choose you preferred color and style.

Two.

Posted on 08/08/2020 by Lenn

Here’s an attempt at writing our story. I’m not really sure where or how to even begin with this post — How did we really begin?

As I have mentioned in all of my previous blog entries, I found you when I wasn’t even looking for anything or anyone for that matter. You were just there — someone I know by name and someone who I casually have small talks with whenever we ran into each other. It has always been like that between us and nothing more.

Thinking about it now, I can’t believe that just a couple of years ago, you weren’t even part of my life. It feels weird because I feel like I’ve known you forever. Looking back at those days, I can’t really tell when I started developing these feelings for you. There were just no signs — no anything. It just kind of happened.

I remember your birthday back in 2018 when I greeted you a few days early because your birthday fell on a weekend. I vividly remember you telling me to greet you again on your birthday, and I did send you a message via Messenger. The following day was a work day, and you dropped by my work station to give me some gummy worms. Casually, I asked you what it was for and you said that it was your birthday. I honestly didn’t know what to say because you really didn’t have to, so I managed a “thank you.”

I think our conversations frequented after that. It was supposed to be just friendly conversations, given that we both arrive early in the office. It was really nice having someone to talk to early in the morning. I guess, some time during those conversations, something just clicked — I couldn’t say when it all changed, but it did. I used to find myself looking at you from across the room and a lot of the time you were already staring back at me.

I knew I was in love when you started reading one of my favorite book series, Percy Jackson and the Olympians, and my stomach made a double-flip. It was the butterflies, as most people would call it. I just couldn’t stop talking about it, so you told me you were going to read it. It was just the sweetest thing.

Fast forward to 2020 and we’ve been through so much and created a lot of memories together. I know I told you this already, but being with you was the most alive I’ve felt in my 26 years of existence. You made me look at the world in a different angle — I know I still sometimes fail at doing so, but you always manage to get your point through, that everything in this world is all about perspective. It’s hard to do so sometimes when I feel like I am trapped (you know what I mean), but you always try your best to change my take on the world.

Thank you for making my life worthwhile and for bringing out the best in me. Happy anniversary, babe. I will always love you. ♡

Lenn of Spades ♠

Tag Archives: Personal

Trying to Exist Without Shrinking

When Grief Finds You Quietly

Celebrating Another Year

Eureka! Moment #6: Backdrops