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About Lenn

I write about my personal thoughts, experiences, and bookish fixations.

What Three Years of Endo Has Taught Me

Living with endometriosis is living with a body that constantly asks for negotiation. For the past three years, chronic pain has been part of my everyday life—not as a dramatic moment, but as a steady presence that quietly shapes how I move through the world. It’s the kind of pain that doesn’t always announce itself loudly enough to be seen, yet it influences every decision: how I plan my days, how much energy I spend, how carefully I listen to my body. There is a deep loneliness in carrying pain that others can’t measure or fully understand. Continue reading

Trying to Exist Without Shrinking

Lately, I’ve been carrying around this feeling that things just aren’t going the way I want them to. I know that’s not unusual—life rarely follows a straight line, and I’ve made my peace with that, at least intellectually. I understand that setbacks happen, plans shift, and sometimes you just have to sit with discomfort until it passes.

But what’s been harder to accept is where that discomfort is coming from.

The people who are supposed to support me—the ones who should feel like solid ground—sometimes feel like the very ones pulling me down. Instead of lifting me up, I feel trapped in a space I don’t recognize or want to be in. It’s exhausting to feel like you’re constantly pushing forward while the people around you are quietly—or not so quietly—holding you back.

Most of the time, I feel alone. Even when I’m surrounded by people. Even when the room is full and the conversations are loud, there’s this persistent emptiness, this sense that I’m standing on the outside looking in. It feels like, at the end of the day, I only have myself. No real support system. No safe place to land when things get heavy. Continue reading

The Softness of Being Loved Well

Lately, I’ve been thinking about how love shows up—not in dramatic moments, but in small, thoughtful gestures that make everyday life feel a little softer. And recently, my husband has reminded me just how comforting those quiet acts of care can be.

For years—truly a decade—I’ve wanted a Nespresso machine. Not because it’s fancy, but because I’ve always imagined how grounding it would feel to start my mornings with a cup of coffee that tastes calm, steady, and warm. Yet each time I thought of buying one, I’d talk myself out of it. There was always something more practical, always a reason to push my own wants aside.

But through all the years we’ve been together, my husband never forgot. He always encouraged me to finally get one because he knew how much I wanted it. This year, he surprised me with it as an advanced Christmas gift—so I could enjoy my mornings right away. And honestly, it really does change the tone of the day when your coffee tastes a little better. It feels like being cared for before the world starts demanding things from you. Continue reading

900 Books Later: Growing Through Stories

I’ve been reading for as long as I can remember—truly. I don’t have a single memory of my life before books. They’ve always been there, woven into every season of my childhood and every version of who I’ve become. Continue reading

“I Didn’t Ask to Be Born”: On Carrying a Weight That Was Never Mine

I came across this passage in a book recently—“I didn’t ask to be born though, and you don’t get to treat me how you do.” And something in me went still. Not because it was new, but because it echoed a truth I’ve carried for so long I almost forgot it had a name.

I never asked to be born.

None of us did.

Whatever decisions, impulses, accidents, prayers, or circumstances led to my existence—none of them were mine. I wasn’t consulted. I wasn’t invited into the room. I simply arrived, handed a life I didn’t choose, expectations I didn’t shape, and burdens that somehow ended up feeling like debts. Continue reading

The Things We Don’t Say Out Loud

We talk so much about dementia—how heartbreaking it is, how heavy it must feel to slowly lose pieces of yourself. And I agree. I truly do. My heart aches for anyone who has to live inside that confusion, that fog, that unpredictable shifting of reality.

But there’s another side to it that we don’t talk about as often.

A quieter story.

A softer kind of ache. Continue reading

🧡 The Warmth of Tanned Pages: A Book’s Character

The crisp, bright white of a brand-new book will always have its own charm—clean, untouched, and full of quiet promise. But there’s a different kind of magic in pages that have tanned or even foxed over time. That soft amber glow and those faint, freckled specks—born from years of light, humidity, and simply existing on someone’s shelf—feel like the book’s own story unfolding alongside the one printed on its pages.

And here’s the thing: we all have our preferences when it comes to the books we collect. Some love that pristine, barely-opened look. Others gravitate toward the warm, seasoned feel of a volume that’s clearly lived. Personally, I love both. I’ve been reading literally since I can remember—from stuffed cloth books for babies, to thick cardboard storybooks for toddlers, to chapter books for intermediate readers, to fantasy novels and beyond. Naturally, a lot of my older books have tanned (and even foxed) through the years, and that never made me love them any less. If anything, it made them feel more mine.

A tanned or foxed page is a mark of time and testimony. Every shade of cream or brown, every tiny constellation of reddish spots, hints at where the book has been—moments by a sunlit window, evenings under a lamp, or entire seasons resting quietly on a shelf. And then there’s that familiar “old book smell”—lignin gently breaking down into that soft, vanilla-like scent that feels like being welcomed home.

The texture shifts too. The paper softens ever so slightly, turning velvety under your thumb. Holding a timeworn book feels like touching a memory.

And honestly, I’m really glad dehumidifiers exist these days. They help keep books from deteriorating too quickly, prevent mold, and slow down foxing and excessive tanning—especially in humid climates like what we have in the Philippines. But even then, time will still leave its gentle mark. Books will still age, still tan, still evolve in their own quiet ways.

In a world obsessed with the spotless and replaceable, a book softened by years carries a kind of steady authenticity. It says:

“I’ve been read. I’ve been loved. I’ve lasted.”

Dog-ears, faint smudges, tiny rings from forgotten cups—none of these diminish the experience; they enrich it. And whether you prefer crisp white pages or warm, timeworn ones, there’s beauty in both. One is the beginning, the other is the becoming.

The Water Teaches You Twice: From Competition to Connection

I used to be a fast swimmer—competitive, powerful, and always racing the clock. Back then, everything was about speed, about shaving off seconds, about proving how far and how fast I could go. There was a thrill in it, an almost electric rush that came with the sound of the whistle, the push off the wall, and the relentless pursuit of the finish line.

These days, my pace is different. I move slower in the water, not because I’ve lost my love for swimming, but because my relationship with it has changed. Ever since I discovered freediving and shifted my focus to breath-hold and efficiency, I’ve learned that swimming isn’t only about power—it’s also about presence.

I won’t lie: sometimes I do miss the adrenaline of competition, the structure of training programs, and the satisfaction of measurable progress. But freediving gave me something I didn’t know I was missing. It showed me the beauty of silence, of slowing down, of letting the water hold me instead of constantly pushing against it.

Swimming in a pool and swimming in the ocean are two completely different experiences. A pool is measured, predictable, neatly divided by lanes and time. The ocean, on the other hand, is vast and alive—always shifting, never the same twice. Both test you, but freediving has taught me a deeper kind of discipline: to be still, to listen closely, to surrender control, and trust the water in a way I never did before.

It’s no longer about racing against the clock—it’s about finding calm in the depths, about moving in harmony with something greater than myself. And in that stillness, I’ve found a freedom I never felt, even at my fastest.

Jiufen: A Spirited Stroll

Jiufen, Taiwan ~ I truly enjoyed the ambiance of this little mountain town. Now I completely understand why people always say that Jiufen gives off Studio Ghibli vibes—because it genuinely does! Wandering through its narrow, winding alleys felt like stepping into a whimsical, animated world. The red lanterns swaying in the breeze, the old tea houses perched on the hillside, and the mist rolling in from the mountains all create a dreamy, almost otherworldly atmosphere. Continue reading

🔖 A Bookmark in Beitou

One of the highlights of our visit to Taiwan was spending time at the Taipei Public Library in Beitou District. It was another surreal moment for me, as I used to only see it in photos—and now I can say that I’ve seen it in person and can attest to its beautiful architecture. Nestled in the heart of Beitou Park, this stunning eco-friendly library is often praised as one of the greenest buildings in Taiwan—and stepping inside, it’s easy to see why it’s so beloved by locals and travelers alike.

Continue reading