I look back at the past 27 years, especially my teenage years, and I remember thinking to myself how hard it is to live in my shoes. Remembering this, in my mind, I see my younger self in glimpses; crying myself to sleep, struggling to get out of bed every day while muttering “ayoko na,” over-eating or not eating at all, being scared or worried or anxious or paranoid, thinking that I will never be good enough, being insecure about the way I look, and constantly overthinking every damn thing. It was such a hard time.

The worst part was that no one, not even my closest friends, knew what I was going through. I’ve always kept things to myself because I was so used to hearing “nag-iinarte lang yan” whenever I speak out my feelings even when I was still a little girl, so I never really knew what having a support system felt like. People who know me since then knows how mentally and emotionally damaged I am to the point that someone even asked me, “Who hurt you?”

Up until now, I don’t have the guts to tell people who hurt me and what caused me to act the way that I acted when I was younger because it’s embarrassing. It’s embarrassing to say that the people who hurt me were the ones who should have been encouraging me to be the best that I can be. Instead, I grew up being told that I’m not pretty, that I’m not smart, that I’m hopeless, and you know what? I used to believe that. When you are a little girl, you will believe what adults tell you.

Fast forward to present time, I’m no longer that little girl — I no longer let people boss me around, push me to the ground, or hurt me. I let every word that come out of their mouths bounce back to their faces because whatever negative thing that they say about me is a reflection of who they are. I realized that I was never the problem — it was them. I also realized that just because we are blood-related, doesn’t mean that we are the same nor should I carry the burden of the mistakes of my successor. It was their mistake, I should never be held liable of whatever mistake they did when they were younger. I should have never dwelled in the pressure of being the perfect daughter, the perfect grandchild, or the perfect person. I am my own self, and if they don’t think I turned out to be a better person, then that’s their problem. I don’t have to live up to their standards anymore, because I am my own. The toxicity stops with me.

This is a past that I will never get to run away from, and I don’t have to. I just have to make sure that it remains there — in the past. Besides, all those struggles, pain, pressure, and anxiety led me to where I am now. I may not be successful yet, but I’ve come a long way and I am proud of my achievements may it be in work or in my personal life and no matter how small it may be.

This is an “in your face” to every person who has ever doubted me in the past. Thank you for dragging me down because it caused me to soar higher. All I had was myself, and I am grateful for me. Whatever it is that I have now, I thank myself and no one else. So thank you, self, for braving all the bad days away. You turned out to be stronger than I thought you would be. I’m sure that my 15-year-old self would be so proud. ♡